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3-0 Down With 5 Minutes Gone | On Message | Life Sucks | Domestic Bliss | Disco Dick | The Karaoke King | The Fortune Teller | Hard To Swallow | A Boy Called Henrik | Scooper Star | Minted Mick | Tomorrow Is Another Day | fringe |

3-0 Down With 5 Minutes Gone ©

 

3-0 Down with 5 minutes gone
just 85 more to go
the team are worse than useless
and its cold enough for snow
our midfield can't tackle our forwards can't score
our defenders keep running away
every time they get faced try wee bit of pace
they get worse with each game-that they play
So forget so-called dream teams they just don’t exist
It’s muscle and sweat at this level
and the fans are all tempted to murder the boss
well the idiot talked of a treble
now the game's only started and I'm broken hearted
I'm no longer the nice voice of reason
for no goalie on earth should be feeling like this
when we're 5 minutes in to the season

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Life Sucks ©

 

Money Worries Family Problems
don't know how I'm going to solve them
Teenage Tantrums every day
the kids refuse to run away
There always in trouble its driving me mad
life's a bitch as a single dad
I'm unemployed and its no fun
by this time tomorrow I'll be on the run
I'm moving house but the kids don't know
the strain of this secrecy is beginning to show
I've all of these problems and 10 million more
but the doctor just told me I've heard them before
I'm drinking too much my cholesterol's too high
I've been given a warning relax or you'll die
And I'd like to relax but I don't have the chance
every minute of the day has been planned in advance
So I 've reached the conclusion I'm knee deep in muck
If you don't know the reason I'll tell you Life Sucks

 

 

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Disco Dick ©

 

I'm hunky and I'm supercool I'm sexy suave and slick
I fancy every girl in town I'm known as Disco Dick
and there's no girl upon this earth who'd fail to be impressed
with all my manly attributes they know that I'm the best
for I can give them everything I'm just like Casanova
and I'll have lumbered twenty five before the night is over
for I'm the king of one night stands and I don't want a steady
because my name is Disco Dick I'm always at the ready

 

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Domestic Bliss ©

 

Household tyrants remote control freaks
when they’re watching telly nobody speaks
a word its truly absurd

Dishing out the verbal violence
making sure you get the silent
treatment for daring to intrude

I mean have you no manners or have you no sense
home and away will always beat friends
it's just a fact of life

Believe me I know about petty dictators
I've lived under Thatcher and New Labour
but deep in my heart I know nobody's worse than the wife

So just for once I'd make a deal
I'll treat her to more than a Macdonald's meal
they'll be champagne and chocolates and roses and no fish and chips

I know its a hell of a price to pay
but I won't let anything stand in my way
for just one night of peaceful domestic bliss

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The Karaoke King ©

 

He thinks he'll top the charts one day and he cannae even sing
but that won't stop him trying he's the karaoke king
He's really quite a decent guy but people start tae moan
when he starts daein pelvic thrusts and takes the microphone
Because he's murdered lots of songs he hammered jealous guy
and the night he sang imagine he made a hard man cry
so don't start singing no regrets or he'll just start to yelp
for he's the leader of the gang and he makes me run for help
but don't dispair it could be worse ah mean it would really be hell
if he ever thought he was funny enough to become a comedian as well

 

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The Fortune Teller ©

 

    I don't why know why I did it I'm not that kind of bloke
    I never buy a paper just to read a horoscope
    I'm just not in to magic tricks I can't stand Uri Geller
    but I went to the pub one night to see a fortune teller
    I've heard so many stories about what they can reveal
    so out of curiosity I checked one out for real
    she read my cards and then my palm then started to explain
    just what was written in the stars was glamour wealth or fame ?
    Well I thought I'd better get the news I hoped she'd tell me all
    that she could see in store for me inside her crystal ball
    would I become a millionaire who flashed the cash with style
    or would I be the golden boy who had that winning smile
    Would I be wearing Armani suits and mingling with celebs
    or would I have the kind of life which would drive me off my head
    she never gave me any me hints which said I'd reach the top
    when she started rambling she didn't know when to stop
    She said I'd meet a nice young man and he would change my life
    I have to say my first thoughts were I'd best not tell the wife
    she then claimed I would live abroad but not in glamorous places
    I don't think Ethiopia bring smiles to many faces
    And then she claimed that my success would come in moderation
    I 'd never be a superstar or overnight sensation
    because it wasn't meant for me for destiny said no
    my face turned pale on hearing this it was a hammer blow
    I said You've read my cards and palms and still no news to tell
    she told me off and said my dreams would be the road to hell
    I left that night a broken manfor hope had failed to call
    but see this fortune telling lark its a load of crystal balls

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Hard To Swallow ©

 

When I was a boy my parents tried hard to make me eat my greens
they claimed that they would do me good but I'm now told its all in the genes
For there's talk of genetically modified crops the P M thinks there cool
he believes they'll maintain his political health for a harvest of New Labour rule

He says he always eats his genes he claims its the new way ahead
he likes his beetroot lilac and his carrots are pink and not red
But I still like my fish and chips and I can't stand the language of phoneys
for I'll never swallow a New Labour meal from genetically modified Tories

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A Boy Called Henrik ©

 

When I cradle my new baby son in my arms I Know he'll play for Celtic
and though Janette won't like the fact I'm going to call him Henrik
For he'll be a genius because of that name it will give him a goalscoring knack
and he'll be in demand from a very young age he'll go forward and never look back
For he'll have the class only great Celts can have and he won't play for anyone else
for he'll conquer both Scotland and Europe each year as he wins leagues and cups by himself
Then when Scotland are playing the name Henrik Smith will be known the world over for his brilliance
as the world cup final is won in great style by his hat trick against the Brazilians
But Janette says there's no chance my dream will come true for she claims I'm a lamb to the slaughter
she says that it's ballet shoes we'll need to buy for we're having a family of daughters

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Minted Mick ©

Just one pound coin was all he had but he knew where to stick
it he put it on a lucky dip and bought the winning ticket
He had no other cash to spare he really was in poverty
but then he suddenly realised he'd won the national lottery
Just half an hour before the draw our Mick was in despair
but now he would be made for life as a Multi millionaire
For he could live in luxury he wouldn't have to pray
that sheriff officers didn't turn up before his giro day

For he could be Versace Man and drive a flashy car
have supermodels turn their heads in every club and bar
The A-list gang would be his friends and celebrity parties his scene
for he'd enjoy the kind of life which was every stallion's dream
Because it was his destiny he knew it was his right
for he would have a string of girls a different babe each night
But then alas it all turned sour and poor Mick was in shock
for he was brought back down to earth by his alarm clock

 

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Scooper Star ©


I'll check them out at film premiers or in the trendiest bars
for its my job to spill the beans for I'm a scooper star
I'll let you know the latest goss on every famous name
there's no way of escaping me for that's the price of fame
For I'm an information shark my sources can be trusted
to win the war to dish the dirt on Brittany and Busted
So if Madonna's acting up Or Beckham dyes his hair
I'll break the news you need to know like the clothes that J-Lo wears
If Kylie flaunts her bum too much It will be front page news
and I'll tell tales about Tom Cruise Westlife Robbie and Blue
For I'll reveal whose done the deals and whose been caught in clinches
believe me they'll be guaranteed to make my column inches
For I'll be where the action is at parties gigs and bars
they won't be able to escape your celebrity Scooperstar

 

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Tomorrow Is Another Day ©

Tomorrow is another day which will arrive after today
no matter what some people say Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow is another day it will be with us come what may
we will work and rest and play Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow is another day with bags to pack and bills to pay
we might all feel like running away tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow is another day and dearest lord I hope and pray
that first you help through today which was tomorrow yesterday

 

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On Message ©

 

Always be on massage
and ready to obey
whenever I command you
remember what to say
I've written all your scripts for you
I know you'll be impressed
so always be on message
and you'll pass the loyalty test
Always be on message
never shirk or waver
listen to my every word
it was I who created New Labour
so don't go thinking for yourself
I don't allow dissent
always be on message
for my message has been sent
Always be on message and do just what your told
for if you do in years to come you get your pot of gold
always be on message and never once talk back
for if you dare disobey I'll give you all the sack
Always be on message
for I control you mind
without my help you could not see
you'd all be colour blind
yes always be on message
I'll tell you what to think
for all is bright in Tony's world
where even the sun shines pink

 

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