Jim's Journey

 
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Please Hear what I'm not saying

One MoreDrink

 

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying ©

 

Do not be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear,
for I wear a mask: a thousand masks;
Masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled,
for God's Sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
Within, as well as without;
that confidence is my name and coolness my game;
that the water's calm, and I'm in command
And I Need No One!
But don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever varying and all-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and alone-ness,
but I hide this; I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed,
that's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind;
a non-chalant, sophisticated facade
to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
My Only Hope: and I Know It.
That is if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love
That's the only thing that can liberate Me from Myself,
From my own self-built prison walls,
From the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself;
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
Will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh,
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that, deep down, I'm nothing. That I'm Just No Good
and that you will see this and reject me.
So, I play my game; my desperate, pretending game
with a façade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
Of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
Do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm Not Saying,
What I'd like to be able to say,
what, for survival, I need to say,
But what I can't say.
I don't like to hide.
I don't like top pay superficial, phoney games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and ME,
But You've Got To Help Me!
You've got to hold out your hand,
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging,
Each time you try to understand because you really care
My heart begins to grow wings;
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
But wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
How you can be a creator of the person that is me: if you choose to
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
You alone can remove my mask,
You alone can release me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty,
From my lonely prison
If you choose to.
Please choose to!
Do not pass me by!
It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands, but with gentle hands,
For a child is very sensitive.
"Who am I?" you may wonder………..
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet!
and I am every woman you meet!

 

 

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One More Drink ©

 

It's taken;……… a lifetime?… for me to link
the Pain of Living for One More Drink.
A Deceit at which I did excel,
Appearing Alive whilst Living in Hell.

Years of Poverty, Pain and Affliction;
the only abeyance a Fatal Addiction.
One More Drink then Drunken Dances;
Different Dance halls, No More Chances!

One More Drink, then kick up the traces!
Fights at Weddings; broken faces.
One More Drink, then the Guilt and Fears.
One More Drink; then the Shame, and Tears.

One More Drink, and More Denial.
One more District Court, for Trial.
One More Drink, then the Shakes and Sweats,
torn to pieces by Regrets.

Urgent bills and Mounting Debts, -
Reminders of what you take Drink to Forget.
One More Drink then the Garden Parties,
kidding ourselves we're Arty-Farties.

Describing a lifestyle as Al Fresco;
sleeping in a skip at the back of Tesco.
One More Drunk, then the Body Rebels;
some bits stop working and some hurt like hell!

One More Drunk, then the Heart gives in,
the flow interrupted by Too Much Gin,
And Beer, and Whisky, and nights sleeping rough
Pole-axed in the gutter, and kidding I'm Tough.

Shrinking YETS and too many Agains, and Again, and Again,
and Again, and the Pain, Oh the Pain, oh the Pain in my Brain,
but still the thought lives, the words still link………….
"I 'd feel so much better after Just One Drink."

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